Warning: Everything that I'm about to say is the raw truth. It's what I really think. No sugar coating, just the truth. I apologize in advance for any offensive material.
How do I start the end? I wanna keep it short but I have so much to say...whether it's good or bad, it's important that I tell the truth. I value honesty more than any other quality in a person...but why is it so hard for me to be honest...to others and to myself. I never let people know who I really am because I don't want to get hurt. I'm not close to anyone, I don't talk to anyone, I don't let anyone know my true feelings. I don't have any friends...not anymore...
I'm just a mindless drone now. For a while now, I've been living life so unhappily but I didn't let anyone know, including myself. My days would consist of waking up, eating, going to school and work, eating again, doing homework, showering, and then sleeping. Every single day, the same thing. And I couldn't do anything about it except keep doing the same thing everyday. I didn't have any free time anymore...even if I did, I wasted it on unimportant things like looking for deals and buying DVDs. I don't have a plan for life. I can't organize myself even though I try. It's pretty obvious if you've seen my room at home...or my desk at school. I don't have my priorities straightened out and it's cost me...time, money, friends...
Don't forget how stupid I am. My memory is worse than that guy in Memento's. I might have a kind of photographic memory but it's pretty weak cuz it doesn't work well. And for non-visual things, forget about it (sorry for the pun). I forget it in like 2 seconds. If you're talking to me about something I don't care about, I'm probably not listening and I'm just saying "Uh huh..." a bunch of times. If anything, I'll forget about it when I go to sleep. Every day when I wake up, it's like a new life for me. I don't remember anything that I don't want to remember. I've tried to not forget...but I guess I didn't try hard enough cuz it's still there.
There are only a couple of people who might've made a difference in my life. I don't know what I'd be doing without them...probably more unfriendly...maybe even dead. One of the most influencing people is Hito. He's always trying to get rich quick...always trying to become successful. I tried to learn from him. He talked with me and tried to get me onto the right track but I definitely took a wrong turn somewhere. One of the most inspiring stories (which I unfortunately forgot the details to) he told me was that when he was in high school, he felt that he had a personal weakness. So everyday, he'd tell himself that he wasn't weak and that he was the opposite of that weakness and then he overcame it. So I thought of what my weaknesses were and I tried to correct myself. This was way back in like freshman year of high school and I came up with 3 qualities that I wanted to have. During that time, I believed that the most important thing in life was to be happy, so that was the top quality that I wanted to have. I felt that being successful in life was also very important so that was my second quality. Finally, one of my biggest weaknesses was obviously that I was too quiet and shy so my third quality was to be outgoing. So everyday since then, I tell myself, "I'm happy. I'm successful. I'm outgoing." over and over. A while later, I came up with something...I had been having trouble sleeping and I suspected that it was because I was thinking about things too much while lying in bed. In order to alleviate that problem, I thought that it would be beneficial for me to set a time when I could reflect on the day in an orderly fashion so that I wouldn't have all these thoughts floating around and not be able to sleep. So I created the "happy, successful, and outgoing" routine...every night, before I fell asleep, I would name 3 things that I did that day that made me happy, 2 things that I did that day that I did successfully, and 1 thing that I did that was outgoing. So not only was I fixing my sleeping problems, I was also encouraging myself to do things that would make me happy, successful, and outgoing. Every night since then, I have followed this routine. Sometimes it's quick and I name stuff and I go to sleep. Other times, I have trouble naming things...like if I had a pretty boring and short day, I might not have done something outgoing. But I always end up finding something that I can consider outgoing...something that a shy person wouldn't do. So even up until last night, "happy, successful, and outgoing." I might've missed a couple nights because I was distracted or super tired but when I wake up, I always realize that I missed it so I would list my things while I brushed my teeth or something. I don't know if it's been beneficial to me or if it's been blinding me. But I'm tired...I don't want to be a mindless drone. I don't want to follow these routines anymore....so I'm gonna stop it. Sheesh, it feels like forevers...at least 7 years...and I feel like I shouldn't stop but why am I doing it? It doesn't matter.
Besides that, Hito has always tried to help me out. I looked up to him. He was like a personal counselor at times. He'd tell me what he had learned from reading books on success and he'd try to help me organize my life. But I failed him. One of the last times I've talked to him (about 7 years ago), he helped me develop a plan of what I wanted to do. I had it all written down, with actions that I would do within a set amount of time so that I would achieve my goals...I didn't do a single one of them. I'm just a lazy bum...I might have some academic skills but that's mostly just in math. People assume that I'll become successful and wealthy in the future but I got them fooled. I'm too lazy to ever do anything.
Back in high school, I had a dream to live forever. I'm afraid of death. Everytime I think about it, I want to cry. I wanted to live forever...I told my classmates about it and most of them laughed at me. I had this thing where I went around asking everyone if they wanted to live forever. I had a sheet of paper that I wrote their names on. There were two lists of names: people who wanted to live forever and people who didn't. I told them that when I figured out a way to live forever, I'd call up all the people who wanted to live forever and make them live forever...and for the other people, I'd ignore them...even if they begged me to help them, I wouldn't because they were on that list.
What are my priorities? It seems like anything related to computers is always on the top of my list. I'm always on a computer. I have 2 computers at home, 1 at my apartment, and now a laptop. I even have 1 at work that I sit in front of all day. Even if I had so a bunch of other super important things to do, if there's something wrong with my computer, I'll fix it first. Heck, even if it's someone else's computer and they ask for help, I'll fix it before I do my homework or whatevers. What should be my priorities? I don't know.
June 4, 2000. That's more than 2 and a half years ago. It's funny how some things changed so much and yet some things changed so little.
So what if I'm a momma's boy? I know my family has problems. I know I've been ignoring them. I'm just escaping reality again so that I can live an easy life and pretend to be happy.
Linda's computer days 2 and 3: Last Saturday, after the LA Auto Show, I continued my work on the computer. To keep it short, the power supply sparked and blew out. This week, I was supposed to go exchange it but I couldn't find the receipt and they wouldn't exchange it without a receipt. When I finally found it, it was too late because they were closed. Sorry Linda. But then what's worse is that I spent the rest of the day working on the computer still. I wanted to swap my CPU with hers...both Athlon XP 1700+ but hers was newer and had more overclocking potential. I got greedy...both of our systems worked...now only one does. Somehow the newer CPU died. I think I shorted something inside cuz I was cleaning it with acetone and I may have tried to start the computer up while it was still wet. Yes, acetone is safe on the CPU...but the water isn't. Or maybe it's cuz after it didn't work, I booted it up a couple times without a heatsink cuz I was lazy. Now I can only hope that I can get it exchanged for a new one and then I'll be more careful with it. If all goes well, I should be able to get 2200+ speeds (1.8 Ghz). I have the worse luck with computers though.
So this is it...my last post. On April 28, 2003, I will be taking this page down along with all the other pages here at chuonthis.com. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with the site now...it officially went live on October 4, 2000 and it's been fun. Thanks to all those who have visited this site and to those few who read my blog.
Am I lying to myself? You know...at first I forced myself to believe that I didn't love you. I wasn't happy...I hadn't been happy for a very long time and I blamed it on you when I should've blamed it on myself. I didn't lie to you. The only times I do are when I want you to shut up. Don't trust me though. I'm a selfish jerk. Of course I still love you but I don't wanna take anymore of your crap.
80 days and 80 nights...